Don’t Make Fun of My Minivan

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You can call me a traitor.  Tell everyone I switched over to the darkside. You can even refuse to share your beer with me when we get together to watch the game.  Just don't make fun of my minivan.  We're all adults here. I mean, the only reason I can possibly imagine for your good-natured ribbing is that either...

A. You're extremely jealous, or

B. You fail to realize just how cool minivans have become. 

If it's A., the only thing that's going to cure that is to go get one of your own.  If it's B., well, then I've got a few things to share with you so that you realize that these aren't our parents' minivans.*

Get Up and Go

The first thing non-minivan owners mention is how the vehicles drive. They keep forgetting that it's 2017.  Mine drives like a car, yet I'm able to load it up with kids and gear.  I have no problem merging onto the freeway, holding my own in the fast lane, and beating you off the line at a green light. 

Mission Control

Guys LOVE buttons. Think: television remote.  Maybe it's a control thing.  The more buttons, gadgets, gizmos, and doohickeys we're given to be in charge of, the more in control we feel.  I am the commander of my ship when I'm driving my minivan. I have buttons to do almost everything!  Need the heavy minivan sliding-door open?  I have a button that does it for me (AND THERE ARE DOORS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE VEHICLE! THIS MEANS TWO BUTTONS!). I can even push a button and tell my minivan what to do.  "Change the radio station to 97.1. Play a CD. Call my wife. Give me directions to the closest grocery store."  You know.  All the things that Michael wanted to tell Kitt to do on Knight Rider, but never did. 

I Have the Power

Did you just have a He-Man flashback? I did, just writing that title, but it's so true. Having power for anything at my fingertips is incredible. Long gone are the days when you needed a special cord that plugged into a cigarette lighter. Now I can plug things into USB ports or even a 110 outlet. That's right ...I said 110! Imagine camping with the ability to plug in a mini-fridge! Oh, the fun we would have had with this pre-kids. (But then again, we never would have even THOUGHT about buying a minivan, if not for the twins. That vicious circle). 

It's a Car. It's a Truck. Magic. handles like a car. 

It's sporty, like a car. 

Gets decent gas mileage, considering.

BUT I can haul a truck. The middle seats come out fairly easy, or if what I'm hauling isn't too long, they fold up nicely against the front seats.  The REAR seats fold right into the floor. The best part is that it's done very easily.  That means that I can go and pick up the materials for a backyard fort, and when my project doesn't go as planned, easily put the seats back in and take the whole gang to the park instead. 

A Little House Cleaning

Go ahead.  Break out the snacks.  I'll just go spend a fortune to have my van detailed afterwards.  Or not.  There's no reason to live with the school of goldfish between car seats, when you have a vacuum built right in!  Avoiding a trip to the beach with the kids, because there's always more sand on the floor of the van than there was actually at the beach? No more. It's easy to do a little house van cleaning, without having to plug quarters into a service station vacuum cleaner. All you need now is someone to do the windows! 

So Many Cup Holders

Finally the true test of how cool your ride is... comparing how many cup holders your minivan has with your friends.  Me?  Well, I've spotted 10 so far...and I'm almost positive that there are others that I just haven't found yet.   Go ahead and admit it. You're a little jealous, right?  

So now do you get what all the fuss is about?  It's not a minivan.  It's better!

It's a sports car for fathers. The ultimate spaceship. A device charger with wheels. A pick-up truck. The dream of Domestic Engineers. 

Face it.  It's a "Man" ivan!

Now that I've won you over, go check out all of the options at and decide which features you can't live without.  Whether it's the one with the fancy entertainment system, the hybrid with the incredible gas mileage, or the one with the racing stripe, they have the ability to put you in the minivan that truly fits your needs.  

You could be arguing over who has more cup holders by the weekend!

*Not all of these features are necessarily available on my minivan, but they are features available on a lot of them, based on which company and what price point you select. 


Kevin Zelenka

Kevin Zelenka is a Freelance writer, Dad Blogger, and the stay at home father of twin toddlers. You can find him playing with his sons at his home in Las Vegas, spending time with his wife, and every once in a while at the golf course.